My friend and I arrived at the Press Club a few minutes after 7:40 and, neither of us having eaten dinner, debated whether to run across the street to the Walgreens for a Cliff Bar before going in. Anxious about being late we decided to skip Walgreens. We need not have worried. We were the first ones there for the Speed Dating event, hosted by Pre-Dating. It was to be held downstairs in an enclosed section of the bar. The rest of the venue was taken over by a Match.com mixer event. We descended the stairs feeling like the redheaded stepchildren of the dating world and slinked into the empty section of bar that would eventually be filled with a collection of individuals that resembled the Island of Misfit Toys. At least, that's what it felt like to me next to the chic, glamorous bustle of the Match.com affair as I stood watching the other speed daters arrive.
I registered, ordered a glass of wine and mingled with the other women there while we waited for things to begin. Almost all the women there (8 total) came with a friend or two. We were all dressed in business casual attire. For me speed dating is an entertaining adventure, a source for fun, to be laughed about. It is inherently social. I would never consider going without friends. Yet, each of the 6 men who signed up came alone. Each was awkward in his own way. Now, I am not saying that I am not also awkward or uncomfortable at times (as will be demonstrated below) but with this particular collection of men there was an air of lonely desperation. The women were there to meet new people and to have fun with their friends. The men were there to meet new people because it felt like this was the only way left to them. Am I being cruel? I hope not. I could be completely wrong but I am not the only one who left with the same impression.
Because there were more women than men each of the women sat through two 6 minute sessions with no male counterpart to talk to. These awkward moments were spent sipping wine, sneaking peaks at our phones and eventually getting to know the other woman without a partner for that round. During the 5 - 10 minute break halfway through the evening one of the women commented that it was actually easier to make new female friends at these events than to meet men she wanted to date. Too true.
I spent the first round without a partner. I looked around and sighed. Other than one extremely tall man (6'10"!) all of them were short, round and/or balding. I do not want to seem shallow or judgmental. I am under no delusion that I epitomize the standards of female beauty. It cannot be escaped, though, that first impressions matter and that at these kinds of events we will each be noticing one another's appearance, especially if we have no one to sit with to distract us with awkward conversation.
After 6 minutes our host, Douglas, rang his silver bell with a heart for the handle and the men stood up and moved counter clockwise to the next woman. The very tall man sat next to me and introduced himself. When I introduced myself and told him my badge number he wrote my name down in the wrong section of the little packet of paperwork we were given at registration. Without thinking and without hesitation I pointed out that he should turn the page and fill out the next portion.
"You're a teacher, aren't you?" he asked.
That shut me up! One, because he wasn't far wrong and two because I had decided not to tell any of my "dates" that I am a youth minister. I hate to admit that, it still feels skeezy to have resolved to intentionally leave out that I work for the church. My experience here in the Bay Area, though, has taught me that it is not so sexy to be a Christian, especially a fanatic one who has actually sought out employment at a church! So, my plan was to simply avoid it all together and just tell them that I work for a not-for-profit in the city, which is true, if only in part. As one of my friends who was with me pointed out, "You don't have to let them know everything all at once." Right. I would be mysterious.
Or, at least, I was going to be until the giant point blank asked if I was a teacher. Of course an option would have been to say no because, in fact, I am not a teacher and just leave it at that. But my every impulse is to be honest, full disclosure is in my nature. Walking into the evening planning to conceal part of what I do, what I love, was already causing me too much anxiety. How could I not acknowledge how close his guess was to the truth? So I stuttered and hemmed and hawed and finally blurted out, "Well, not exactly. I do work with youth though. Why?"
"Because you just corrected me. You're obviously used to being in control and making sure things are done right."
Well damn.
More stuttering. I tried to tell him (the one prospect there who was even remotely promising!) that just because I pointed out the way the paperwork was meant to be used it was not an indicator that I am, by nature, critical and controlling. I tried. I did not succeed. I stammered. I faltered. I honestly do not know what, if anything, I actually said.
Finally he interrupted and asked what I do with youth.
Crap. I wasn't going to talk about that! "Um, I'm a youth minister at an Episcopal church."
He raised his eyebrows.
Yep, I should have kept my mouth shut. Note to self: learn how to lie. At least a little.
"So...what do you do?"
This is representative of most conversations while speed dating. What do you do for work? What do you do for fun? Blah. Blah. Blah. By the end of the night I had said that I like to read and write so many times that I felt like I was rehearsing lines for a very boring play that no one, ever, should have to pay to sit through.
"Ok, I have to ask you my 'make it or break it' question. If you had a superpower what would it be?"
Unexpected. A bit unusual. Silly. Better than church for a first 6 minute conversation.
"Do you have any pets?"
This first conversation was the only one that evening that strayed from the script, save one, in which we discussed whether football or baseball was the better sport.
Douglas rang his bell and it was time to start over with someone new.
Much of the evening was unremarkable. To my surprise I found myself intentionally emphasizing that I am a youth minister at a Christian church in an effort to deter interest. One of the men literally blinked and shook his head in a very cartoonish way in astonishment when I told him.
"Minister? That means you must have a lot of training?"
I felt a little foolish when I had to answer "Well, no, actually. I suppose the term minister is misleading. I am not ordained. I didn't go to seminary."
"But you can quote the Bible?"
"Um, a little." I had to stop myself from laughing at how uncomfortable he was when he asked that and how uncomfortable I was in answering.
Another man moved here from China fifteen years ago. I asked if he goes back to China to visit regularly. He shook his head and looked at me like I was being ridiculous for asking that. "No, the last time I was there was 5 years ago."
"Wow. So is your family all in the states?"
"No."
"That must be hard. I moved here from Chicago a year ago and it's hard to be so far away from my parents and sisters. I miss my sisters very much."
"Really? Why?"
What kind of a question is that!? I tried not to let too much confusion be revealed in my face or tone as I answered, "Because I love my sisters. I want them to move here."
"Oh...well, Sara, besides loving your sisters what do you like to do for fun?"
Really?
Really!?
Next please!
This was the second time I had been speed dating. I had fun. I would do it again. It is not, however, where I anticipate meeting someone to have a lasting, meaningful relationship with.
