The Trials and Tribulations of Online Dating

Last week I created a profile on yet another dating site.  I did this for one of two possible reasons. Either hope truly does spring eternal or I am a glutton for punishment. In my experience online dating can, in one fell swoop, fill you with confidence and promise of possibility and, at the very same instant, cripple you with self-doubt, assuring you that you are entirely undateable.

I know people who have had great experiences with online dating. And everyone “knows someone” who met their spouse on [fill in the blank with one of the innumerable dating sites out there]. This all just serves to keep that fickle temptress named Hope alive.

And so, let me tell you a story about the out of control, distracted, sleep deprived spaz online dating has turned me into this past week. It all started last Tuesday when a new friend from my running group told me about the dates she’d been on through a dating site I hadn’t tried yet (and let me tell you – I have tried many). On a whim I decided I would go ahead and sign-up. I’m new to the area and it would be a good way to “get out there” and meet people.

On Thursday I created a profile, answering questions about things as mundane as my hair color and birth order to the more substantial such as how important religion is to me and “how ambitious” I am. I uploaded the cutest, most flattering pictures of myself, wrote a brief summary “about me” and then let the games begin.

BAM! My phone started going crazy. Men “wanted to meet” me, they “favorited” my profile, and then they started messaging me. A very, very cute 22 year old messaged me and asked me out – suddenly I was aware that I am, in fact, old enough to be a "cougar". Another man messaged me and at first seemed innocuous enough but our conversation quickly escalated to his persistent, repeated question: “Would you tickle me?”

Oh dear. What made me think it would be different this time?

But then, my phone pinged. Someone “wanted to meet” me. I clicked on his profile and that tease Hope flared again. Here was a very sane, together seeming man. Significantly older than me – ok, not outrageously so but enough to notice. He was witty, a little self-deprecating, smart, very cute.

I messaged him and we began talking. Sometimes light and funny and a little flirty. Sometimes dry and a little formal. I was excited about him and eager to meet and realize how “right for each other” we are.

In the span of 24 hours I went from being a sane, rational, relatively calm human being to a wriggling, simpering mass of nerves. Is it too soon write back? Did I say the right thing? Am I coming on too strong? Am I being too introspective? Why hasn’t he written me back yet? And on and on…

Well, after a fairly consistent back and forth (for 4 days) I asked him out. I have, for the past week, been filled with a nervous, bold, flirty energy and decided to just go for it. He seemed interested. I felt good and excited.

BAM! I told him a date and time I was available and asked if it worked for him. SILENCE. I have heard nothing since Monday night.

What happened?

And this, my friends, is the thing about online dating. This is the real dilemma. We can never know what happened to the person who stops responding. Instead, we are left to wonder what went wrong. To ask “was it me?” And this is when I start to spiral.

Here is a sample of the various scenarios that have run through my head since Monday night and the potential ways I have come up with to “handle” the situation:

Did I come on too strong?

Was he not ready to date or to meet?

Was I too forward? Should I have waited for him to ask me out?

Was my flirting too over the top? Or was it too subtle and just fell flat?

Was I too introspective and serious?

Did I ask too many questions? Not enough?

Maybe I came off as too confident and intimidating?

Did he get distracted and busy?

Does he not realize we didn’t actually finalize our plans?

Is he talking to someone else he’s more interested in?

Has his work and writing project (did I mention he’s doing NaNoWriMo? How hot is that!?) and his kids just overwhelm his time and he hasn’t thought about online dating since Monday?

Was there a horrible, tragic accident and even now he is lying in a coma in a hospital bed?

No matter the myriad possibilities, rightly or wrongly, I am left wondering – What did I do wrong?

And so, I have written many responses to his lack of response in my head, trying (and failing) to be light and breezy, no pressure, not needy or pushy, to try and understand what happened.

Things like:

“Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while. Just thought I’d check-in to see if we’re still on for Tuesday.”

Or

“Hey, so you never got back to me. I hope you had a good week. Do you still want to go out on Tuesday?”

Or

“Hey there buddy, I haven’t heard back from you about Tuesday. I have a date on Saturday that I am really kind of dreading and I’d love it if I had something to look forward to on Tuesday.”

Or

“Since I haven't heard from you I'm assuming you actually aren't interested. If you’re too busy right now or just aren’t interested that’s ok. JUST TELL ME!”

Each feels desperate and pushy and I feel increasingly irrational and unstable and I look over the past week and I think What happened to me!? I don’t even know this person! Why do I care? Why have I let this affect me so much?

I will likely send something resembling the first two on Saturday. In the meantime I am trying to ground myself, to remember that I am a fairly competent, together individual.

It’s hard to meet new people when you move a new town. When you’re not in school. When you live alone. Online dating is one way to help ease that challenge.

It is a game, though, with subtle rules and strategy. You've got to play it to win. This is where I have a hard time. I am not good at the game. I don't, in fact, want to play. I don't put in the energy, time and focus it requires. I go in spurts of activity. So, I just need to take a deep breath, remind myself that it is, in fact, not me and just keep on keeping on.